Life's funny

When I was pregnant with Aubri years ago, I pictured myself rocking with a precious little bundle in my arms, we two gazing into each others eyes while I softly sang a lullaby. I expected to have a calm child, so when she came out wailing and didn't stop for months, I was blindsided. And, she never seemed to sleep! Don't babies like to sleep? I was weary, overwhelmed, and beyond tired and stressed. New mom anxiety gripped me by the throat tighter and tighter each time I couldn't soothe my baby's colicky cries. On the miraculous day that we turned a corner and she stopped shrieking, we both breathed a sigh of relief, she was from then on a delightful child (albeit she still doesn't sleep!), and I filed in the recesses of my brain: Parenting gig=hard!

Of course, things got easier as we both found our footing and my parenting confidence grew, but even years later I would look back on those first few months and shudder. The thought had been deeply ingrained in me: Parenting gig, first few months=very hard!

Fast forward 14 years to my next pregnancy, and my expectation was for war. Fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy few months! When my doctor told me the probability of having another colicky baby this time around was low, I shook my head disbelievingly. I battened down my hatches and stoically prepared for survival. Guess what happened? No wailing. Oh sure, Nolan cries, but not that awful MY GOD WHY CANT I HELP MY BABY STOP CRYING type of cry. And get this, he likes to sleep. Lots of sleeping! Can this be real? John even videotaped me being able to sing him a lullaby; my long lost fantasy fulfilled.

I've heard it said that expectations are premeditated resentments. They can also be wonderful teachers. When something doesn't turn out how I had carefully planned (and lets face it, how many things really do), it reminds me to abandon expectations, go with the flow and be in the moment. Just BE with whatever is happening. Because some of the wisest words ever spoken are "This too shall pass." Tough times don't last for long so don't sweat it, and good times don't either so treasure every moment of them.

The happiest days of my life will always be the days my children were born. I love them beyond belief, and I am so thankful to be given the gift of experiencing all of the wonderful milestones of childhood again with Nolan. And I must say, thankful for the gift of sleep too. :)

He's here!

DS has arrived! And what a cutie, sweetie boy he is. I don't know if it's because I am older and more mellow, or that I have done this before, but I am much more relaxed and enjoying the process. No newbie mom tension. With an almost 15 year gap between children I was wondering if I'd remember what to do. Yep, sure do! Like riding a bike. Maybe my mellowness is also because I know this and every phase goes by so fast, and I am just cherishing everything about it. He is so small and precious, and he wont always be, so I am just soaking it up. And hey, on the practical side of things, John is home with us for 2 months so we are making sure everyone gets enough sleep! That's huge!

John and Aubri are so cute. Their love for him is palpable and it makes my heart just ache with more and more love. When John told me this is the happiest time of his life, well, what more could I ask for? I have a healthy, happy family. I am truly blessed.

Although I know it's common for parents of an only child to contemplate this, it seems silly to me now that I ever wondered if I could love another child as much as I love Aubri. It is just as instantaneous, pure, real and organic as the first time.

This would have been my 40th week of pregnancy. He is doing so well. And what a little character. He:

Hates having his diaper changed.
Loves having his hair washed.
Grunts and is noisy while sleeping.
Sighs contentedly, grunts, and vocalizes while he eats.
Smiles and giggles in his sleep after he eats (So cute!).
Loves his baby carrier and being close to us.
Is easily upset but also easily soothed.
Touches his face a lot and tries to suck his thumb.
Folds up his legs on his chest as if he's still in the womb.

He was born with hair that in the sun looks like my color (and that could change, I know), and we can't tell what color his eyes are yet. Yesterday, definitely hazel. Today, looking blue. He looks like a combo of us both so far, and at times looks a lot like DD when she was a baby. We are taking lots of pictures and video. I wish I had done more when Aub was small. It's so much easier to do and keep up with in this digital, internet age!

Wow, 2 greats from the Internet today!

Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three...

I've been largely absent from this blog because I've been distracted and not feeling well. Pregnancy will do that to ya. Yep, I'm pregnant, and thankfully in the second trimester now, with my body and my brain not bothering me as much. Ahh, settling in for the remainder until the birth of our baby and the true chaos erupts. I have no delusions of sitting in a rocking chair while my baby and I gaze at each other in utter bliss. Second time moms know it's going to be war! But we also know it's the most amazing time, and I'm looking forward to getting to know this little one. What will s/he be like? How different or the same will it be this time? What will it be like being a family of four now? It's all an amazing mystery and adventure, and I am so glad to be sharing it with DH. Words cannot explain how wonderful this man is.

So I'm starting to put together a few little things for baby, and since I am a very musical person (shock!), my first order of biz has been putting together songs for the birth and beyond (maybe this one will let me sing to him/her?). I absolutely had to include Return to Pooh Corner by Kenny Loggins, my all time fav lullaby album. I searched for it in my now sparse cd collection (thanks to itunes) and couldn't find it. How could I have misplaced that one? I certainly would not have given it away. I had played it into the ground, however, so maybe it just wore it out and I offed it. In any case, I promptly ordered a new copy from Amazon and have been listening to it ever since.

Something about it is so magical to me. The arrangements, the songs, so easy to sing, so relaxing. It puts me in a good mood. I'm planning to use it in my night time ritual with baby to signal bed time (Yeah, may be a pipe-dream but we'll see. I'm trying not to plan too much with this one because I know how often things actually go according to plan; like almost never :)). I love the medley he does with Patty Austin, “Neverland Medley: Somewhere Out There, Neverland, Pure Imagination”. While singing along with it in the kitchen the other day, the Neverland portion really stood out for me as it never had before. Here are the lyrics:

I know a place where dreams are born
And time is never planned
It's not on any chart
You must find it with your heart
To come home to Neverland

It might be miles beyond the moon
Or right here were you stand
Just keep an open mind
And then suddenly you'll find Never Neverland

A treasure when you stay there
It's precious more than gold
For once you've found your way there
You can never grow old

And that's my home where dreams are born
And time is never planned
Just think of lovely things
And your heart will fly on wings
Forever, to Never Neverland

Lovely isn't it? Most of us think of Peter Pan, of course, flying off to the mystical Neverland. But what struck me this time is how the song stands alone, even if you know nothing of Peter Pan.

What I immediately thought while listening is that the song is a blueprint for happiness: Have unplanned time, an open mind, think of lovely things. Remember, you can't find happiness outside of yourself, you'll find it in your heart, right where you stand. Living in such a way, your heart can fly on wings, and you'll never grow old, meaning you'll never be heavy and burdened by things that don't really matter.

Ah, the beauty of simplicity. Nothing can deliver a message like a beautiful song can. God uses the arts to communicate with me all the time. You can listen to the same song over and over, read the same poetry again and again, and get something different out of it every time, and perhaps something you really needed to hear that day.

As another part of the song says: "Living there you'll be free, if you truly wish to be."

Message received. I am so grateful. Thank you.

Join the Charter for Compassion

A "Happy Birthday John" dedication

A hard knock
A cold clock
Ticking off my time
A long look
But no luck
Couldn't seem to find
Or unwind
Into peace of mind
Though I was trying

A quick glance
A big chance
My heart beat like a drum
I saw you
And I knew
Chances just don't come
Round again
Not like this
First a laugh
Then the kiss

And I'm free in you
I've got no worries on my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true
And I'm free in you

The lost time
The self crime
My big mistakes
A clear voice
A bad choice
Sounding like an ache
In my day
Not too bad
But too real
To go away

And I don't know
How you show
Such gentle disregard
For the ugly in me
That I see
That for so long
I took so hard
But I truly believe
That you see the best in me
I'm enough
For your love
And the thought
Sets me free

Free in you
Got no worries on my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true
And I'm free in you
Yes I'm free in you

~Emily Ann Sailers

Beautiful

Just watched The Soloist. Humanizing mental illness/homelessness, decreasing stigma, wrapped in a beautiful true story/movie. This is why movies should be made. And the music is beyond lovely.